Racket is a word that is very commonly heard among the Landmark graduates.
Note: You cannot get both sides of the above table at the same time. Either you get the pay-off or get things on the cost side. If you are interested on things on the cost side: health, peace of mind etc, you have to give away your pay-offs: being right, justifying, dominating etc.
In south India, to catch monkeys people build monkey traps that are constructed from a hollow gourd with a single opening just large enough for the monkey’s hand to grasp the tempting bait of fruit or coconut. Inevitably the monkey sees the banana through transparent trap and comes to get it. It is easy enough to get its hand in and grab hold of the banana, but once the monkey makes a fist with the banana in it, there is no way for it to pull it’s hand back out. Knowing that it's life is at risk (cost), even though it can leave the banana (pay-off) and run away, it gets stuck.
Does it look funny? Yes, it does. This is how we look when we have a racket and we are stuck with those persistent complaints / fixed way of being.
What is a Racket?
Racket is a persistent complaint or a fixed way of being. Complaints can be about you or others, others to you and other to others. One of the fundamental reasons why we racket is to avoid taking responsibility. Also because we do not have any keen interest in addressing the complaint. Racket is like a scam. You get something out of being that way / having that complaint. That is like a pay-off. As you get those pay-offs, you also pay some cost. Following table shows some of the pay-offs and costs.| Pay-offs | Cost |
| Being right / making others wrong | Health |
| Dominate / avoid others dominating | Satisfaction |
| Justify / Invalidate others | Fulfillment |
| Win / Make others loose | Love/affinity |
| Look good / make others look bad | Vitality |
| more... | Joy |
| Peace of mind | |
| more... |
Look at this monkey.
Does it look funny? Yes, it does. This is how we look when we have a racket and we are stuck with those persistent complaints / fixed way of being.
How do I distinguish my Rackets?
- Look at your life and see what you are resisting, something that you are putting up with, avoiding to resolve and fixing & changing
- Who do you have the complaint with in that situation? What do you say about that person? <this-person> is....
- Identify what is your fixed way of being when that person says / does what you complain about?
- Look at what are the pay-offs you are getting by being that way
- Look at the costs you are paying by being that way
I have12 ideas to share that may help give
ReplyDeleteclarity about the distinction "rackets".
Due to character limitations for these posts,
I'll submit these ideas in a series of posts.
1) To gain a better idea of what a racket is,
consider where the name "racket" comes
from... it's a metaphor for fraud (or a
"scam" as noted above). During prohibition,
organized crime organizations would set up
innocent looking storefronts to sell legitimate
goods. But this was a fraudulent cover up for
criminal activities hidden in the back rooms,
where they sold alcohol and conducted illegal
gambling. This is called racketeering, and
used to be described as "running a racket".
Consider this: Why would you keep suffering
with what you're complaining about unless you
were getting something out of it? If it's persistent,
one can conclude that you're not interested in
"addressing the complaint." You might protest,
and say you really don't like the issue. By talking
about it, you might think you're being responsible
for it so you kind of look good (the storefront)...
but you are getting a payoff for keeping the
complaint in place (the back room where the
crime -- usually making something wrong --
happens). You get something out of it being
that way -- the payoffs -- that's the fraud. If
you argue that there's nothing you can do
about it (e.g. the boss is just like that), you
are likely being a victim. Even with issues
that can't be undone, you can alter how
you relate to them so that you don't have to
suffer. Once you see what you're doing,
you have a choice to stay in it because
you get enough from the payoffs, or give
up that point of view for one that gives
you power, freedom and self-expression.
For example, Joe complains that his wife
doesn't appreciate him. He complains that
he works hard so he can support his wife
and family, but it's never enough. He goes
home to his wife, who tells him to please
put his clothes in the hamper and fix the
door that has been broken for a month.
Joe gets angry and says, "See, you don't
appreciate me. I just came home from a
hard day of work. I'm tired and you don't
care!" He puts on the good face of justifying
why he's upset, but he's undermining
the relationship by making her wrong.
In Joe's world (the way he views life),
he's not making his wife wrong...
she IS wrong! The make-wrong is the
"crime". And he's fooling himself if he
thinks he's not getting a benefit from
his complaint... that's the fraud. If Joe
can see he is "running a racket", he
has the opportunity to dismantle it,
see what he is not taking responsibility
for, and then choose to be responsible
(or indulge in his racket... complaining,
making his wife wrong, and feeling
resentful). There are many ways to
interpret what Joe's wife did and said.
Joe can consider that his wife's words
and voice tone have nothing to do with
not appreciating him. He might adopt
a view that gives him freedom (from his
feeling that life and his wife are unfair).
One view could be to see her commitment
to them having a home that has integrity
(it's clean and the doors work).
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2) Rackets aren't real. Like all distinctions
ReplyDeletefrom Landmark, a "racket" is made up.
You don't need to believe that people
have rackets. Observe when you or others
complain. Distinctions are designed
to give you power, freedom, peace
of mind, and full self-expression.
Discover for yourself if distinguishing
your rackets empowers or frees you up.
Although Landmark mostly addresses
spoken language, I believe you can run
a racket within your thoughts.
3) Rackets are not bad or wrong. Remember:
If you make something or someone wrong,
that just keeps the complaint / racket in place!
Running a racket is a way to survive…
that is, stay comfortable and safe rather
than risk encountering the unknown that
comes with having an extraordinary life.
It’s perfectly human to run rackets.
Rackets keep our familiar world in place,
so who you consider yourself (and others)
to be is set in stone -- like maintaining a
stereotype. It's comfortable. Humans love
familiarity and being right.
But there are consequences to running
a racket. We call them "costs". “I know
this already!” is a common racket. To the
extent we tend to "know" things, we
stop asking, looking, and discovering.
One's experience of life can become
"same ol', same ol'". It is especially
challenging when our "knowledge"
is a blind spot that gets in the way of
what we want to accomplish or being
who we desire to be. You might not use
the word "know"; you might just be
expressing the complaint as a belief
that you think is obvious (“true”). For
example: "People always want to
take advantage of me." That thought
might have you protect yourself so
you can survive better. And it might
also cause suffering in relationships,
because you never feel like you can
trust others, or you're stingy (rather
than feeling free to share your time,
money, or the parts of you that are
unique and wonderful).
Creating what's possible, with nothing
to fix, no place to get to, or no results that
have to happen, can give us a feeling
of freedom and aliveness. Racketeering
usually leaves us with smugness, cynicism,
resignation and fatigue. There is no room
for other points of view that can inspire,
enliven or make a positive difference.
Rackets are not bad or wrong; they just
produce a certain quality of life that is
different from a life lived with power,
freedom, and full self-expression.
I appreciate you making the point that rackets (as a distinction) are not right/wrong, good/bad, or should/shouldn’t be. We have choice, once we wake up to ways we be that we thought were just what was so rather than an interpretation we layered over what’s so. It’s a cost benefit analysis after that!
Delete4) If you point out evidence that you have a legitimate
ReplyDeletecomplaint (e.g. you rehash all the situations that
prove your complaint is valid, or you quote witnesses
who agree with you -- we call that "getting agreement"),
you will be making yourself more right, which keeps
you "trapped" in the racket. Hint: don't defend yourself.
5) As noted above, a fundamental reason for
running a racket is to avoid taking responsibility.
As you distinguish the payoffs and costs, look
at what you are not taking responsibility for.
For example, let's say I keep complaining
that young, beautiful, loving women are not
responding to my online dating messages.
After looking at the payoffs and costs, I ask
myself, "What am I not taking responsibility for?"
(in a way that does not make myself wrong).
Here are some examples of how I could
take responsibility:
- I didn't put much thought into my profile
write-up or photos. And my messages
aren't interesting. That might communicate
that I don't care. Perhaps I am not being
responsible for what I'm communicating.
Am I putting myself in the shoes of who
I am communicating with?
- I wrote so much that I might appear desperate,
needy, awkward, demanding, or conceited.
- I might be protecting my feelings by being
too picky about who I send messages to --
the fewer women I reach out to, the less
chances for rejection.
- I'm sending mixed messages about
whether I want to have kids or not
- perhaps I'm not being responsible for
honoring who I am -- I get caught up with
self-critical chatter rather than recognize
who I really am: a powerful man who
leads an extraordinary life. In other words,
I've been "playing small"... and they can tell.
6. The more you are committed to living
with power, freedom and full self-expression,
the shorter the time that you spend
"on it", that is, running a racket. "On it"
means you're stuck on a point of view
that is limiting you or causing suffering.
Whereas we might take days, weeks,
or years to "get off it", Forum Leaders
have an agreement to get off it immediately.
That allows them to make a difference
with people in the Forum and their life.
7) It is usually unwise to point out that someone
ReplyDeleteelse (especially your spouse) is running a
racket. If someone requests that you coach
them on an issue where they are stuck, it
helps to ask questions rather than tell them
they're running a racket. It is more powerful to
let someone discover their own rackets for
themselves. One Landmark Forum Leader
shared that he comes from a stand that his
wife has no rackets, and he has given up the
right to run rackets. That's powerful!
If you want to coach someone using the
distinction "racket", I recommend that
the person first take the Landmark Forum....
it's a challenge for some people to get
their rackets even in a Landmark Forum!
8) Check out your context before addressing
someone else’s racket (even if they’ve given
you permission to coach them). If you think
they’re running a racket, you might be making
them wrong (that would be your racket!). Check
if you have any “emotional charge” with them
or what they’re saying. Observe what your
listening is for that person. Do you listen them
as being powerful or as a victim? See if you are
coming from being of service or from any self-
interests. What are you experiencing? Peace?
Impatience? Frustration? Compassion? Smugness?
Being right? Granting being? Peace, compassion,
and granting being (allowing someone to be where
they are, with no need to be fixed) are powerful
places to come from. Think twice before you
tell someone to "get off it" or ask, "How's that
working for you?" Saying those phrases can be
really obnoxious! It greatly helps when you
come from a clean place, where none of your
“stuff” or agenda is in the way. I encourage you
to create a context; declare from that place who
you are and how you listen them. For example,
you can come from a stand that it’s all perfect
(nothing’s wrong) and who you are for them is
that they are powerful, loving, etc.. If you make
them wrong in any way, they are likely to defend
themselves. Then it will be harder for you to make
a difference for them.
9) Don't confuse "self-expression" with running
a racket. Let's take Bob. Bob gets upset when
Lisa suggests he do his work before playing a
game. Bob remembers back to how past arguments
with Lisa usually just made things worse, so Bob's
automatic reaction to getting upset is to get quiet.
Then Bob takes the Landmark Forum. The next
time Lisa makes a suggestion, Bob unloads on
her with both barrels, letting her know she's not
the boss of him and he’ll get to it when he’s good
and ready. Bob then tells his friend, "Wow! I just
had a breakthrough in self-expression!" Sorry, Bob.
You may have delivered a withheld communication,
but you didn't stop making Lisa wrong. Try on that
when you come from your real self, from possibility,
there's nothing wrong. If Bob is still making Lisa
wrong, he's running a racket... no self-expression.
ya this is so true,my husband did landmark forum and started coaching me ,that dont run your rackets but this is his own racket to prove him self always right but i just did my forum and i realise that now i will be on his side and i dont have to do this ,i dont have to tel him that he's wrong .
Deletei just have to look myself !!
thats all landmark about !!!see thy self !!!
10) Giving up a racket is a choice... You don't have to.
ReplyDeleteIf you continue holding on to a racket (keep on
complaining with the fixed way of being), that usually
means that the payoffs are still more attractive than
getting the costs and giving it up. If you "have to" or
"should" give up a racket, then you are not choosing....
you're being driven to do it (e.g. based on expectations
or looking good)... not much freedom in that. So don't
make yourself wrong for running a racket. You might
not want to really give it up. It's still got juice! When
you really get what it’s costing you, then you can
authentically give it up. If you give up the right to
hold on to rackets, then you’ve chosen to give up
that choice. Then you might not need to get the cost…
you ongoingly get off that point of view. Freedom!
11) One way to have an extraordinary life (where you
get off rackets with velocity) is to play a big game...
have a life with such a huge, created purpose –
especially making a difference for others -- that you
don't have time to wallow in the small, personal
morass of running rackets. Look at who you are for
people... go for it... jump into the abyss, only looking
to the future with what you're out to fulfill... jump and
then dance with the circumstances (rather than trying
to control everything coming from fear, bring who you
"really" are to take a stand in the face of no agreement
and stay in action no matter what comes up).
12) Humans often don't change until the situation gets
bad enough. By the way, you can give up a racket
before it gets that bad. At some point, you might get
the impact of what running the racket is costing you,
the people that you care about, and possibly the world.
A conceptual understanding of the costs may not make
enough impact Getting how you've hurt someone or
could lose a job or someone that means a lot to you
might help you get the impact. You might be present
to remorse or disgust. If you feel guilty, that might be
another racket. And you don't need to dwell in this for
a long time. Defending, going numb or avoiding
looking at the costs will still cost you. On the other
hand, amazing things can happen when you get off it.
One Forum Leader shared that he wanted to marry a
woman who had cats, but he was allergic to cats. So
he would stay with her for a few days even with his
runny nose and sneezing. As a well-being issue, he
notified a specific Forum Leader, who gave him some
coaching. Part of the coaching was to "get off it with
the cats." So he looked at his racket and realized that
if he wanted to marry this woman, she came with cats.
He got off it with the cats. Believe it or not, his allergy
to those cats disappeared. They later got married...
they now have 5 cats!
I hope these ideas are helpful to you.
Thank you for reading this,
J. Duffin
Who I am is a powerful woman living an extraordinary life. The possibility I am creating is that there is nothing to fix. Who I am for you is that you are powerful and loving. Thank you for my very powerful 4am read <3
Deleteamazing desconstruction of the Forum in a esay to 'GET' format for those who can receive it.... thank you for this gift. I'm presuming that you work in the self-awareness field and are contributing to the world with your gifts … much appreciation to you … namaste
DeleteThank u for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteReally well done, J. Duffin, *really* well. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks to Ravi for the original post to start the discussion.
Thank you for the time you invested to create this explanation, examples, and cautions. Much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all of the great explanations. Everytime that I run a racket I realize the cost isn't worth it. It costs me too much to have and keep running a racket. My joy/happines, health. peace of mind, love , energy/vitality and self expression is more important to me than holding on and running the racket. I give the racket up and create a new possibility.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if racket can be fake one. For example; my wife( now 65 years) having very good house wife qualities,but has some how got the notion that whatsApp is simply waste of time. I now 69 years leading a retired life, enjoy a lot spending my time on wharsapp and get many appreciation for my messages having good values to others.My wife wants me to stop usibg whatsapp and always criticises me for using whatsapp and this she does even in presence of relatives. I am giving her all help in her domestic affairs and have asked her many times to read my messages and then share her comments bur she never bothers to read my any message and just criticises me. I am struggling how to deal this situation.Look for ideas.
ReplyDeleteIn continuation to my above complaint/ problem, I would like to share that, I am a qualified mechanical engineer by profession with 37 years of experience working in a reputed PSU of India, and retired in 2010, and have gone through Land Mark Forum and its advance course in Dec 2018 and 7 Land Mark in Actuon Seminars. My wife is M.A ( Post graduate) in Social Science but has been a house wife since our marriage in 1977 but has not gone through any Land Mark course.
ReplyDeleteMy question is: If I am running a racket against my wife, or my wife is running racket against me.
ReplyDeleteI discussed with an open mind yesterday with my wife and explained her the joy and value I get using WhatsApp with my Engg college and office friends. She understood and told me to use whatsApp for 2 hours a day (from 11am to 12 noon and from 8 to 9pm) which I gladly agreed. Hope, this shall end the conflict and bring peace .No racket now.
ReplyDeleteI now believe that,when you have a complaint, there is always a racket and onus to end that racket is on you only.Be authentic and share your feelings with an open mind in a cordial mood with whom you have complaint, and seek his/her views and try to reach a mutually and wilful agreed way out. Do not worry about the result.You shall have the satisfaction of having tried or given your best.
Why is it hard to forgive others? Usually because we believe that they are 90% to blame for the problem, that I am not as bad as they are. So I start to carry the load of other people’s actions. If my ego is too hurt, I will have the sense of correction, of justice: ‘I know I am right’, ‘That is not fair’.
ReplyDeleteBut if I start to forgive from the heart, sincerely, then this kind of feeling and attitude begins to dissolve. I remain humble and this forgiveness will bring me closer to others. Then I do not carry regrets or anger, I just let go and remain light.
Spiritual Gurus
When we feel loss of freedom, expression, or fear, there is racket which stops us to accept our responsibility, and we get stuck and feel that the pay off we get is more important than the costs we pay.
But we cannot get both ( pay off and cost) at the same time. Either you get the pay-off or get the cost. If you are interested on things on the cost : health, peace of mind etc, you have to give away your pay-offs: being right, justifying, dominating etc.
The choice is ours.
I have tried above in few trouble full situations, and got myself free from rackets, and got good results. Thanks to Land Mark.
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ReplyDelete